The moments that make us.

I’ve noticed that these posts are becoming more cathartic and less topical than I initially indicated this blog was going to be. I think I will again get to my stories and views on fun things in this world, but right now my journey is once more opening up. To share that is invaluable, but further, I’d like to hope some of my revelations might inspire. So I ask that you “stay tuned” and see what might come of it.

That said, I have been contemplating what the difference is between one’s purpose in life and one’s goals in life. Defining them alone is a difficult thing, but to recognize how they effect each other as well as how they may or may not work together is another level of mental arduousness. Yet, it’s a refreshing sort of deliberation. Anything that potentially compels refining is, I think.

To this point in my life I hadn’t put a firm definition on these things. There were things I wanted – to achieve, to experience, to learn. There were things I hoped for – love, joy, fulfillment. There were thing I sought after – adventure, passion, vivacity. There were things I craved – connections, hope, understanding. But there was no clear definition of my purpose, nor a vision of how to actively pursue my loosely known goals.

It’s an exciting place to be, on this precipice of the discovery of a lifetime. It’s a sort of threshold moment, and man I’m jumping!

Timing is everything.

I was accused recently of being a bit depressed and negative in my posts. Thing is, I wasn’t. I’m not. (And I don’t like that my wit seems to sound sad.) So when I began to ruminate on the following as something to muse on here, it seemed fitting…

In the last few days I’ve had this overwhelming sense of gratitude. It encompasses me completely as I think about certain people in my life. But even more, I’m awed by the timing of things.

Remember Toughguy? Well, our families have known each other on the periphery for more than 20 years. Life continued, we stayed separate. Fast forward to now. Out of the blue Toughguy and I connect online. We start talking, usually daily. We seem to understand each other on certain deeper levels. As we share ourselves, the strange connections come to light.

First of all, he is actually living in the exact same room I did when I lived in the Seattle area. Eerie, right? He only moved up there recently, though, and before that he lived not even two miles from me. We frequented the same supermarket and liquor store a block from my house. We ran the same back roads at the same time of day. We relaxed at the same park. And we never noticed one another.

But had we met then, I don’t believe I would have been able to connect in the same way I can currently. The process of healing, of life, brought me to be open NOW. So it took all the missing each other to find each other at the right moment… likely for both of us. As a result I have this rich, and I believe abiding, friendship. That’s really an amazing thing.

The same thing with my friend Sky. We’ve been close for a couple years now, but when she came along it was right on the heels of two people I deeply cared about walking away from me for reasons I never quite understood. But at that time, she and I both needed what the other had to offer – unencumbered acceptance, which is to say, true friendship.

In that, I believe I helped her through some dark times, but I KNOW she saved me. Put me on the path to mindful health. How incredible is that? Had that friendship come earlier, I might have been tied up with those other two people and she might have been lost in the all-consuming day-to-day of a job she hated (and had just left when we met). But we connected at that moment when we both were… ready.

It’s inspiring. But mostly, it’s just humbling. I’m so grateful. I’m so blessed.

Crash landing.

Today started constructive and educational and effective. I was ready to conquer, light of spirit. I had just finished at an appointment, that of course went smashingly, and was on to my next thing when suddenly… my body simply stopped. It said, “enough is enough,” and sneered at me as it broke down right there in the road.

At first I was simply flustered and thought, “I can fix this.” I then tried a jump start – a little energy food. But still it wouldn’t even turn over. Then I thought back and the proverbial light went on.

O-ooh. When it was on empty and I pushed through to have that wonderful conversation a couple weeks ago, then never did fill up properly on a complete night’s sleep… that was a bad idea? Doing that pretty much every night since, that was also a bad idea? Not taking heed when it sent a warning with a migraine wasn’t the right thing? Going all day with gusto on Sunday when I finally could have been sleeping, even that wasn’t smart? Hmm. Well, good to know.

Sadly, however, it is too late. Having barely managed to tow myself home, I am lying on my bed completely spent, and I just slept for quite a few hours. Lovely conversations with a lovelier man is such a warming idea, but… maybe a little restraint is now in order. (Damn.)

One thing I know... tomorrow I'm going to be an Energizer bunny on speed. Might make for some interesting posts!

The following story...

So to follow that last post up, I have to say that I began reading Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman today. I’d been wanting to for some time and had finally collected a copy of my own this weekend. Early on, he says this (page 13):

“Richard had noticed that events were cowards: they didn’t occur singly, but instead they would run in packs and leap out at him all at once.”

How disappointing not to be the first to come up with this idea. Even more, it is depressing that he said it so much better and more succinctly. And then, too, how queer that we used the same turn of phrase.

I must confess a further strangeness in that it is only after reading the comment posted by Miss Eliza on that last post which prompted me to begin reading this book at this moment. It’s a bizarre sort of whirlwind of connections, which is underscored by what was contained in Miss Eliza’s comments, and of which I will now repeat here:

This reminds me of a post I read on Neil Gaiman's website today, it's the real truth that should be universally acknowledged:

Strange moments of juxtaposition that make you feel like you're living in a novel:

It had been the kind of day that meant I never quite got to look at the post. After dinner I opened the various packages on the kitchen table.

The first thing I opened was a secondhand copy of The Inner Hebrides and their Legends by Otta F. Swire, and I opened it to a random page and read, "...the third of May, when the Devil and his angels were cast out of heaven (and therefore 3rd May is a day on which no important undertaking should be begun and on which it is unpardonable to commit a crime)..."

That's interesting, I thought. I could put that in a story, the next time I need a date of ill-omen. I put the book down.

I opened the next envelope. It was huge, and came from Bloomsbury books in the UK, and contained – well, what it contained was on the note accompanying it, which said, in tidy handwriting:

Dear Neil
I'm delighted to enclose proofs of the Bloomsbury edition of "Instructions" (to be published on 3rd May).
With best wishes,
Madeleine

That's a bit heavy-handed, I thought. If I were writing this, I'd drop the 3rd May date in on something that happened tomorrow, to give everyone reading a chance to forget.

Real life is so strangely written, sometimes.

To add one more oddity, this book seems to be about this very thing - odd occurrences and connections that lead us to the most unusual situations... sometimes even to the incredible and unbelievable.

"...big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey."

On how things happen.

Have you ever noticed how nothing happens on it’s own? It’s like a conspiracy of occurrences. Whether good or bad, they run in packs and gang up on you.

I mean, sometimes I’d rather have the lovely things dolled out here and there rather than coming all at once so that you rarely get to enjoy one thing fully. When it’s a painful thing, of course, it’s worse because there is no time to recover strength before the next blow hits.

Why is it, for instance, that I will literally go months without a man taking any real notice, then when I become interested in one I have them crawling out from all sorts of strange places. Some of them are rather tempting and others are, well, anything but, yet there they all are ringing me in the middle of a nice dinner out on my own or texting me sexy things that would normally be quite delightful in different circumstances or from the man I’m wanting.

Or how about when you’re down you get tackled again, then piled up on? Like me recovering from ankle surgery and finding problems with three other places in my body during recovery, not to mention cramps and migraines pairing up on me. Lovely. How about I just get hit by a truck? Again, I mean.

Then there are those rather rare days where the wonderful moments all roll in on top of each other, everything being delicious and delightful. It’s such a fantastic day, but then it is done, and the next day grinds on and on.

I wish we could confront these events and tell them to quit being so cliquish; to make friends with events that they have nothing in common with now and then. But I guess they get what they want and they want tribal attacks. Bastards.

A great loss.

Mourning is a strange thing, it comes and goes in waves. Today another strong wave hit… about the 10th Doctor Who dying. I’m devastated! (Yes, I know as an alien – a Time Lord – that he has regenerated into a new body and personality, but… that’s not MY doctor.)

I had to overcome a HUGE crush on the character when I first discovered him (and the show). David Tennant as The Doctor was everything I wanted in a man – clever, funny, geek-hot, tall & thin, snappy dresser, genius, personable, time & space traveler, a wordsmith, an adventurer, loves people… you get the picture. My only salvation was that he didn’t have a Scottish accent – my ultimate Achilles heel. How much more difficult do you suppose it was to overcome that crush once I found out that the actor himself IS actually Scottish?? But it’s The Doctor I wanted (want). As for my dream man being an alien… figures.

If you are a follower of the show, you’ll know of all the amazing adventures he had, as well as be familiar with the wit and humor that was part of his genius. If you are not, indulge me just a moment (but keep reading!)…

How great were the episodes with River Song, the Vashta Nerada, and that awesome library planet?! I mean, River was so bold, take charge, and adventurous, yet completely feminine and sweet, not to mention brave and sacrificially loving. But the Vashta Nerada? Beings that prove that being afraid of the dark is not irrational? Oooo! Super scary! Plus a planet that WAS a library. AWESOME.

“Blink,” one of the best episodes out there, was so fantastic with weeping angel statues that were an evil alien race – taking the innocuous and making it menacing = genius! Also, best line in that episode is found here… “People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey… stuff.”

I loved the episode “42” (with Martha Jones). That a sun could be a sentient being was cool and fascinating, but way more interesting was the race for survival on that tiny cargo ship… and that trivia was how to break the locks – really funny.

But most of all, any episode with Donna Noble as a companion was a favorite. She was absolutely hilarious and matched The Doctor’s gumption and spunk and wit moment-by-moment! I’m just so sad it’s all really over. *Must not cry.*

Talking scifi tech, one of the coolest things created in the genre at large is the TARDIS (“Time And Relative Dimensions In Space”). This is a machine that travels through time and space, but here’s the cool thing… it’s bigger on the inside. I WANT THAT!! How amazing would that be? I could travel the world – or indeed, many, many worlds – and have my things with me. I mean, I’m not a pack-rat, but getting to travel with my bicycle and my library would be pretty great. Even if I could just use it to wander this planet, it’d be a dream!

But in “reality,” I’d want to travel in it WITH The (10th) Doctor. Thus my dream of becoming The Doctor’s companion. I mean, I want to be a mermaid when I grow up, but as it’s not very likely that will happen (me growing up, I mean), being The Doctor’s companion seems a good goal to pursue until then.

That’s right, pick me!

Boys to men.

So I’m a girl who is not, I suppose, actually a girl so much as a woman. I am, however, a kid at heart, loving to play and be silly. I’m a very active person, too. All of this lends to me generally dating men quite a bit younger than I am. Um, like 11 – 16 years younger. (Hey all you teens with incredibly oily skin, don’t you worry – it will pay off as you’ll always look younger than you are... even if it’s mostly because you still have zits at 40. I’m just saying...)

So this time it’s rather nice to be involved with someone who knows how to pay bills on his own, likes a clean space, gets references to 80’s movies, and doesn’t have homework to do before we can hang out! Okay, yes he’s still younger, but it’s a more reasonable range… and hopefully those few years means he can keep up with me!

I mentioned before that he lives quite a distance. I cannot begin to say how frustrating this is… yet making it more bearable is that, as actual adults, we have conversations which aren’t limited to a select few things since he doesn’t feel intimidated by my experience and knowledge. So all-in-all, I’m having a great time! Thanks, Toughguy*!

I did have a story about the last guy I saw regularly. Bookboy* and I have remained friends and go out for a movie and drinks now and then to catch up, so when Christmas came along he gave me a gift. It was a specially made pink, man’s T-shirt that reads, “I ♥ Craig Ferguson.” I sat there wanting to laugh-out-loud thinking, “Is he trying to tell me why we’re no longer dating?” A girl can love in many different ways – he needn’t be threatened! It’d make a good email to Craig, though...

In the end, it was a “good idea, bad idea” kind of thing. It was not very practical as I neither wear pale pink nor men’s wear (and he should have known this, really), though it was thoughtful because I am a huge Ferguson fan. Ferguson’s humor is exactly my speed and style. Bookboy is a Fallon fan. So, actually it does sum up why we’re not together. I am not young-and-hip, am looking for something more than just “cute,” and prefer humor that is off the cuff, clever, and sometimes rather naughty!

* Names have been changed to protect the not-at-all innocent.

(I must end this by saying that though Bookboy and his gift both come off sounding rather bad, he's a good guy and I do like the gift a lot... but what kind of story would this be without poking some fun??)

Vision.

Over the course of several months last year, when in need of hope and encouragement, I put together a portfolio of images and sayings of what I wanted to make manifest in my life. It is a take on the Visualization Boards that are popular in various circles and schools of thought today.

I was quite pleased and proud of how mine turned out, because of course as an artist each page is visually impacting. Some of the pages focused on my plans to move to Scotland in the near future, some on my hopes for my spiritual life, some on my sports goals, and some on my visions for my writing, as well as other topics like financial stability, travel, and lifestyle.

But most of all, I took a quote from an ad for a television show and manipulated it a bit, making it my current life mantra…

For a while I was reading this out every day, and I still regularly go over it. It’s been really fun to see how things not only within, but without begin to change; things begin to happen. (I mean, my bro wasn’t even expecting when I adopted this!) I guess this is just an encouragement to you, and a reminder to me, to keep you sights on what you most want from life and to remember in the stress of it all exactly who you are… and draw strength from that knowledge.

Momentum.

I am a little in awe of life at the moment. I’ve had a pretty rough run in recent years, and still have residue of those situations to contend with and clean out, but in the last few weeks really good things have been happening.

Simple yet vital things, like major strides in recovery of my ankle after surgery, and rather extraordinary things like becoming an auntie for the first time. With all the other things in between, I’m starting to feel like ME again… not because things are going well, but because I’m so much more invested.

My precious niece Abigail

I think the most fun thing that has occurred recently has been connecting with a rather fabulous man. It is quite early and he lives, oh, about 900 miles away, but it’s been an amazing start and I can’t wait to see where the journey, whatever its length and depth, will take me. It is all the permutations of possibilities that remind me to keep hoping for things in other areas of my life as well. (And yes, he’s following this blog, so no juicy details will be dispensed! Well, yet anyway. Hee-hee!)

It’s a bit like the opening of a flower – it’s a slow process, but every stage has it’s own beauty. I think the most significant part of these early stages has been the work I have put in. That’s where the reward lies… and even more so when I consider that this is exactly the part that I have control over. The energy and effort I give, the work I put in, is up to me. So here I go – work, work, work!

***

I just wanted to give a shout out to the wonderful people whom have chosen to follow me so early on – I’m excited to undertake this journey with you by my side. Cheers!

The Leap.

I’ve always considered myself a writer, though I haven’t actually written much. It’s the telling of a story, spinning that tale out to perfection so that the delivery is as much the thing as the tale itself, that ever draws me to it.

For years people have told me I MUST write. But here I am, setting out on that bit of my adventure for the first time in a directed way. It’s exciting. It’s daunting. But mostly, I think it’s a natural result of the profound joy I find in connecting with people coupled with my fervor for conveying a true event in such a way that I illicit the most amount of laughter possible!

So here, in this little corner of the cyber-universe, I will share my tales of glee and woe, wanderings and stagnation, adventure and boredom, making sure to point out the silly and absurd in it all whenever possible. And I’m pretty sure it’s nearly always possible.

Occasionally I may grab a soapbox and climb up on it, or regale you with the ecstasy of a great book recently read, or rave/rant about a sporting event, or go on ad infinitum about some favorite British TV series, or give a bit too much detail about training for a race, or shower you with my geek fascination in the form of scifi, or gush about an inspiring friend… but in all that I will always look for our commonalities than bind us, and most of all find what is delightful in the situations and people that I experience and encounter. Life is, in all it’s complexities, a magnificent thing. I want to revel in it!

As for the friends that have encouraged, prodded, and inspired me to (finally) do this… YOU ASKED FOR IT!