Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The weight of me.

I thought with the New Year I would start afresh. An invigorated focus on my goals in life brings me back with a new look for the blog and a refreshed sense of purpose for my writing. But first, a reflection…

The last few months I have had some personal breakthroughs I didn’t even know I was needing. (Sometimes those are the most awe inspiring.) These epiphanies have centered me as never before.

What it comes down to is a knowing myself completely at the deepest levels of my being. Really being good with who that is. This is an all-encompassing knowing; a resting in and embracing of my whole self. This includes recognizing and appreciating my place in the journey of life, loving my body just as it is, and being both contented with and excited about my spiritual path with the wrestling and expanding it involves.

This sounds so corny, really. But it was born of coming the other side of an intense trauma after finally truly healing. In that final emergence from the dark waters of that churning ocean of betrayal, despair, and brokenness I was lost in, with that first step on dry land I felt the weight of me. By that I mean I knew the depth of my courage as well as just how intense and incredible my strength is. That was my “grounding.”

One interesting thing about that ocean: you feel so overwhelmed in the depths of it when you can’t see the shore as the waves are pounding you and threatening to take you under, but the very hardest part is when you finally stand in the shallows of the tide and are taking that long walk to the beaches. Because you feel the sand between your toes as you step, you think you are on land, so the effort is all the more frustrating as you fight to bring your legs forward through the eddying riptides. Never have you worked so hard, yet you don’t realize you really aren’t out of it yet. It’s only on that first step out of the waters that you find that true freedom.

And that’s the moment you know. You know just how fierce you are. You know it’s not an invincibility but an endurance. You feel your strength in every molecule and know… that you can. Who you are is enough – more than enough. Whatever comes next, strenuous and painful or freeing and joyful, will not be beyond you. You can.

Edith Södergran said:

“My self-confidence comes from the fact that I have discovered my own dimensions. It does not behoove me to make myself smaller than I am.”

I know my own dimensions now. In fact, I OWN my own dimensions. I revel in them. So I walk tall. Because I am tall.


Miss Eliza said...

The hardest thing to do is understand yourself and fully own that. I am in awe of you!

Lori said...

I am so glad you made that discovery. I feel like I'm still in the water, but am nearing the walking through the tides part. I've missed hearing from you, but I definitely understand needing to take a break. I hope all is well with you.


whichwaydidshego said...

Ladies, you are treasures. Thank you for your kind words.

I hope we can stay in contact now, Lori. Thank you for understanding - and most of all thank you for missing me. Love your new picture, by the way.

Elizabeth, as ever you feed my soul. Thanks.

m0x said...

You and I have similar writing styles; raw words from the soul. I've been in the "ocean" more times than I'd like to admit, and again I am sinking in the sands of shallow tide. Each step is a step closer to redemption and forgiving myself. As the soft sands pull me down and the tide threatens to pull me back, I am reminded of my family, my fiance, my kids, and the incredible friends I have made in my tainted nautical prowess. With that, I summon the strength to pull my feet, one at a time, ever-closer to the long-awaited warm, dry land. Thank you for being an amazing friend. I am so grateful to know you and, moreso, you are perfect. Truly.

whichwaydidshego said...

Mox, wow. Your kind and artful words warm my being. I can honestly say I love you, my friend. Thank you for your friendship and support. It's beyond anything I could ever have imagined. Cheers.